I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
sick fucks of a feather flock together
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES