is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.