im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
