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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
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