He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.