I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life