Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
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I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
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she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after