He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it