Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
How's work?
Spinning.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
