I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
your room smells of hookers.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.