So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
