We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed