I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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