It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.