he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
