I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
