Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
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No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?