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Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Quick, to the slutcave!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
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