I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I queefed so loud it echoed.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".