His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Dating After Heartbreak
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My room smells like vodka and shame
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.