Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
your room smells of hookers.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.