Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage