I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.