I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half