just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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