No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
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Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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