Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student