Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.