They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.