i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'