Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
