I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.