I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"