i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police