This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"