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CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
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