MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.