Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
