remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?