he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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