It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?