just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
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Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
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I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize