this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow