i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Even my vagina gasped.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life