I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?