He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The 33 Worst Things Men Have Said While Hitting On Women
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.