Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.