I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dignity is for republicans.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.