Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.