There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"