I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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