He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO